I am an artist freshly out of seminary, so one might think me most qualified to speak on art and spirituality. I do have plenty of resources using art to facilitate a closer encounter with God, but today I want to talk to you about something that’s been even more on my mind for 2 years. In fact, probably for about 20 years of my 40-year life:
OCD. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
A counselor diagnosed me with it a couple years ago in the form of “Relationship OCD,” but it has taken several forms throughout my life that I now recognize. It takes over when a very threatening decision is before me.
It has always been a part of my dating. In about the second month of dating someone I end up in a counselor’s office because I’ve worked myself into a tangle of anxiety. My head goes through reason after reason why maybe this person is the right person or maybe they are not. It feels like a very threatening decision because misery and shame could be the result of either decision.
But OCD also reared its head when I had doubt about God. My mind worked overtime trying to explain away my doubts that seemed to threaten my faith, which also threatened my standing in my community. And there have been stages where I felt confused about my sexuality. That was also a very threatening future.
In all these times I just get this knot in my stomach and my head just cannot put the problem down. Some days, even when I try to think of something else, the threat pounds thoughts at me like waves every five seconds, for hours on end.
Once I realized that I had diagnosable relationship OCD I went to a secular counselor designated for that. Her main instruction was to practice dropping the thoughts over and over. Practice it over and over. It sort of worked, for a moment. But the threat would bring it back up again.
But about a year ago something new came into play that seemed to change the game.
I started treating it like Philippians 4:6-8. It says:
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Instead of just dropping the thought, I started offering each one up to God. I ask for help. I ask for faith and trust. And not only does it short circuit the thought loop, but it also takes the pressure off of me.
But then I was surprised that I found I can also do this with angry thoughts, and annoyed thoughts, and mean thoughts too. We have more control over our minds than we thought.
Now it’s just a matter of practicing that over and over, until God has completed his good work in us.
Ross Boone (artist name: Raw Spoon) is a writer and illustrator trying to draw people closer to God through story and visual art.
[editor’s note: “Therapy” comes from the Greek New Testament word for Jesus’ healing (θεραπεύω), and we at Shepherd Heart salute the work of therapists & other mental health professionals, secular and faithful, for their discipline of healing in the world. If you need a therapist, visit “find a therapist” or visit one of the therapy search engines in the Pastor’s Rolodex. We also acknowledge that God’s solution for each of us may look unique, as we are unique.]