By Kylia Clark, AMFT
“Oh, you’re a PK [pastor’s kid]. Were you the rebellious type?”
“You probably had to watch what you wore or said, huh?”
“You don’t really seem like a typical PK.”
“It seems like pastor’s kids are either really religious or they rebel against everything.”
If you are a pastor’s kid, maybe you have heard a variation of these statements and questions. I have found most people have a genuine curiosity about me and what the experience of a pastor’s kid might be like. Others may have stereotypes based off of someone they know who is a pastor’s kid.
In my experience, a common theme has emerged: a desire to share my experience without fear of preconceived notions. Many other pastor’s kids I have met have expressed the frustration they feel when a person tells them an assumption they have about them based off of one of their parents being a pastor. They shared with me about their desire to go to church and “blend in” instead of feeling they are under a microscope. They talked about wanting to share their stories.
It goes without saying that many people feel they have been put in a box based on race, gender, occupation, sexuality, and the list goes on and on. There were times I put pastor’s kids into boxes and assumed their experience was the same as mine. The importance of allowing space for others to share their experiences is crucial. This may seem obvious, but how often do we actually put this into practice?
It is easy to come up with ideas about what someone’s experience is without actually listening to their story. Not only is listening important, but listening deeply and carefully. Giving people space to share their story brings closeness. This is something I carry with me in my job as an Associate Marriage and Family Therapist. I listen to people’s stories everyday, but something I have been reflecting on is listening intentionally. Listening intentionally involves focusing on the details of a person’s story and having a spirit of curiosity. It means to listen to their feelings without interruption. Just as I would desire for my friends and acquaintances to listen to my experience as a pastor’s kid, I need to show this same desire to hear my clients’ stories. No two stories are the same. Part of the human experience is the want to be seen and heard. Why not start practicing deep listening today?
Kylia Clark is an Associate Marriage and Family Therapist (AMFT 108318), supervised by Dr. Brett Veltman (PSY 21684) at Relate Therapy Center in Pasadena, California. She is a California native who enjoys hiking, traveling, and drinking a good cup of coffee.
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