My Journey toward Wholeness

My Journey toward Wholeness
by Forrest Robinson

Besides one’s actual faith, I find it difficult to imagine that there is anything more important than the health of the emotional well-being of a minister and faith leader. I see emotional well-being as the rock solid foundation for any individual who is involved in ministry. Being a minister is an enormous responsibility. This often requires one to be the “brightly glowing beacon in the darkness”.

I am a Believer and a committed follower of Jesus Christ. I grew up in a household that suffered the suffocating grip of constant fear and abuse. My entire existence was fear, anxiety, and deep feelings of foreboding. As an adult who is now nearing middle-age, I realize that there were things I learned literally by the raw, very real experience of life, that I wish someone – anyone – would have just sat me down and told me while all of these terrifying experiences were happening at the time. Good heavens! I would gladly have welcomed this insight even when I was in college! However, the absolutely unspeakable and beautiful thing – some call it a “breakthrough” – that happened to me took place on a hot summer afternoon (in July of 1998), somewhere around 3 or 4pm, while I was living in midtown Atlanta, GA.

I routinely frequented this kinda weird Goth/Metal bar/restaurant in midtown Atlanta that is called The Highlander. It would seem a very unlikely setting for a Christ-centered, spiritual breakthrough like the one I am about to describe. You might have to know the place to know what I’m talking about… But, I digress. Anyway, I was sitting outside at a picnic table in front of the restaurant. I was sitting there listening to the music that was playing on the jukebox, which also played over the speakers outside so that patrons at the picnic tables could enjoy the music as well. The song playing at the time was a song by the band Slayer, which is a band that is most definitely NOT on the Christian path. I find it so interesting that this was the music that was playing at the time.

So, there I was… 28 years old, sitting in the hot, humid, southern summer heat – when I suddenly realized that I was feeling absolutely desperate. I’d known quite well, the feelings desperation and fear while in the grips of my abuser; however, this desperation was different. There was something very strange and somewhat beautiful about this desperation. And I mean STRANGE. I suddenly felt the intense heat of that summer day while the music played over the speakers. This was REAL. I also realized that the day was absolutely beautiful… there was a clear, blue sky. This was REAL. I was in midtown Atlanta – a place I very much enjoyed living at that time. This was REAL. And finally, the coup de grace… I WAS AN ADULT. No one was standing over me threatening to beat me for God knows whatever reason. This was REAL. Hallelujah! God had brought me through many dark storms and many years to bring me to where I was at that very moment. I was blessed with a little studio apartment in midtown Atlanta. It wasn’t much; but, it was mine. My own personal safe place. And Piedmont Park was literally my backyard.

At that time, rent was CHEAP… $300/month! WHAT?! And I had my own car. I earned my own money. I could go out and enjoy the days and evenings anywhere I wanted to without having to answer to a soul. BUT… there was a startling reality: I wasn’t TRULY free. For the very first time in my life, I knew deep in my heart that I wanted my freedom to be absolute. This was truly an exciting moment for me, knowing that I have now realized this truth and actually admitted it to myself. I knew that I would have to fight whatever fears I needed to in order to achieve this victory and freedom and I was willing to do so. The strategy? TRUST. I needed to place my trust in God through my faith and belief in Jesus Christ. It literally was FAITH IN ACTION. I could hear my heart telling me: “For real this time.” Okay – let’s do this.

I’d heard it spoken by Christian psychologists and pastors that our earliest impression of God is essentially shaped by how we see and are treated by our authority figures. I knew quite well for myself, at this point, that this was absolutely true. I was way deep down the rapids of seeing God in a way that was opposite the God of love, forgiveness, Grace, mercy, peace, and all those wonderful, beautiful, gentle things that come by growing in relationship with Christ Jesus and learning more about His sacrifice for my life and the lives of every living creature on this earth. I feared God with a deep, constant, foreboding fear – constantly afraid of His unpredictability and wrath. Abuse always tells the victim that even though the abuse is completely wrong, it is somehow our fault. And that if God didn’t want the hurt to happen, He wouldn’t allow it… if you were good. This has become cliché over the years. But, I can assure you that it is not. The reality can be deeply terrifying. Constantly feeling at fault – a condemned sinner – is exhausting. I literally felt like life was being sucked out of me. I was tired of running. That hot, summer afternoon in July 1998, I knew that I needed to hand that burden over to God. Not tomorrow. Not next week. NOW.

The words that came to mind were: “I want to walk in the sun.” I will never forget that moment. I truly believe that it was the Holy Spirit that spoke to my heart that day, and told me that I no longer had to live as a captive within my own fear. The fact that I was sitting there, with a choice to actually enjoy that beautiful day was absolute evidence that my Savior, Jesus Christ, had been there with me every step of the way. For the first time, the seed was planted that made me want to know more about Jesus and what His sacrifice and redemption truly means for my life. I knew that this was more than a mere “mood”, and that I couldn’t afford for this to be discounted as a passing feeling of elation. I immediately started to pray quietly and I told God in that prayer that I needed help. Actually, it was more like I cried out to God that I needed help. I just did it quietly enough so that the whole place couldn’t hear me. If you’d been sitting close to my picnic table, you would’ve no doubt thought that I had gone loony.

But, boy… let me tell you. It was intense! I released some intense emotions in that prayer. Sadness, anger, and fear of God’s wrath for baring my feelings to The Most High. But, I knew that I needed to have my emotional well-being restored to a level of health that I’d never known. I realized some years back that my wounds had caused me to allow others to abuse me as well. It’s a pattern. But, I felt pretty euphoric after that prayer. Wow! What a relief to finally release all those emotions and acknowledge those fears aloud and in the presence of God.

A few days later, while walking around an independent bookstore somewhere in Atlanta, I came across a book called: “Chicken Soup For The Soul”. It was the first time I would read anything that put the good and pleasant things about life in my mind. I immediately purchased a few other books from that same series. It felt good to read something so uplifting and to put those words in my mind. But, then a couple months later, while standing in the checkout line at a Sam’s Warehouse, I came across a book that changed EVERYTHING for me. It was entitled: “Managing Your Emotions (Instead Of Your Emotions Managing You)” by an evangelist named Joyce Meyer, who I’d never heard of. This was a good thing, because following the televangelist scandals of the 80s, had I known Joyce was an evangelist, I might not have bought the book. I found the title intriguing. However, what really got my attention was the sentence written in bold at the top on the back of the book: “God gave you emotions on purpose!”. I found it very interesting that I would find a book like that at that very moment. I should also mention that this book is usually categorized under “Religious/Christian/Spiritual” at bookstores. With the deep sense of condemnation I’d been feeling from religion in my upbringing, I was pretty much keeping away from religiosity at that time. I was finding freedom and Grace in Jesus Christ. I didn’t want to go back to the darkness and feelings of shame, guilt, and condemnation.

My belief in God was always there. And I prayed quite often, though it was fear-based. But, prayer has always been a major part of each day of my life. And I do value prayer very much. So, I went to my favorite coffee shop and immediately dove into this new book. I would spend hours and hours each day reading this book… excitedly trying to absorb every word. For the first time in my life, I was reading words – from an evangelist of all things – which basically said in short, that we are all imperfect – no matter how perfect we try to be. And… GOD LOVES US ANYWAY! Okay. I’m sorry – hold the phone… WHAT?!

The Holy Spirit was now working on overdrive in my life. And I was desperate for this freedom. So, after a year had passed, and now knowing for certain that I wanted to keep “walking in the sun”, I realized that I needed to stop allowing people that I in knew in life, as well as those actors in Hollywood-produced movies and on tv, to shape my perception of psychiatry and psychology. You know… those “weak, helpless, crazy people” that are cast to help shape this awful, misguided perception. I also had not known before that there was a significant difference between psychiatry and psychology. I had to read the appropriate materials on those practices, which I had not done before. The fear and hurt were deeply rooted in me through trauma from a very early age and I now understood that I needed divine deliverance and healing that only comes from God through faith and belief in Jesus Christ in order to achieve this freedom I so deeply desired.

A major turning point for me was admitting to myself that I could not do this journey alone. Wow! The FREEDOM! It was then, that I also realized I wanted to be able to possibly help others who might be trapped in their own darkness to “walk in the sun” as well if I could, if such an opportunity arose. I understood now that I needed to heal, and I needed to learn how to trust. I needed help from the right person who was studied and practiced in helping someone in a similar situation through the steps it takes towards healing. I knew that I needed to pray for God’s guidance in order to stay on the right path. In 2000, I met a woman (who is now my wife) who was in seminary in Atlanta. She knew of a place where there was good Pastoral Counseling. I’d never heard of such a practice before then. I was blessed with a good counselor there, and for 2 1/2 years, I went to weekly sessions. Between those weekly sessions, I would pray, journal, and try to brave peeling back those layers in order to get to the core of what caused the fear and condemnation. I will spare details on this; but, I was committed to doing the work and achieving freedom.

Ever since I was very little, besides my love for music, I’ve had a love for lighthouses. I see emotional well-being as quite similar to a lighthouse, particularly when it comes to ministry. Thus, in regarding emotional well-being in ministry, I believe that being a true help to others in the faith community is impossible without stable, healthy emotional well-being. I believe that if any person is journeying towards a healthy faith walk with God in Christ, there has to be a faith leader in place that has been in the trenches – someone who understands that dark place and what it takes to battle through the spiritual warfare that is taking place inside you. It is a battle no one else can see or experience unless it begins to take its toll on the one who is suffering from it. A very major core element in my journey as a follower of Jesus Christ is knowing that no one knows better than he, what it is like to confront and endure the absolute most unfathomable battle and suffering on a physical level as well as spiritual – which as far as I am concerned, are both related. I know that my abuser was suffering in his own trauma, which he suffered as a child at the hands of his own parents. Even though his parents were deeply religious and his father was himself a pastor with his own church, it didn’t prevent the abuse in his household I believe only a dark, demonic spirit of satan himself could make any person cause their children, spouse, or someone at all to suffer at their hands like that. I truly believe that deliverance and healing comes by faith and belief in Jesus Christ through His stripes, blood, and suffering for our sins and iniquities, which were conquered in His resurrection. And I believe that the emotional well-being of a minister and faith leader can indeed be a light for those in the faith community who need to get through the darkness.
Forrest Robinson is a Christ follower, professional musician, and supporter of the arts. He never wants to stop learning.

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